WASHINGTON-  In the wake of the recent terrorist attacks, the president addressed the nation from an underground bunker, and assured a frightened public “We will do whatever it takes to not let these extremists win.” The

President laid out his plan, which began with numerous new security measures. “If it means  longer TSA checks, closing borders, or increased monitoring of phone conversations, America is up to the task,”reassured the President. “There is no sacrifice too great for our continued freedom.”

Shifting to foreign policy, the President hinted at overseas militaristic actions “Whoever carried out these heinous acts will pay,” the president stated bluntly, “No matter what the cost.” He continued by assuring the population that whether overseas actions took one year, 10 years, or 1,000 years, the USA would not back down until every perpetrator was eliminated. “We’re fighting a war against an elusive and undefinable enemy,” the President added, “and our results will also be elusive and undefinable.”

The President cited the success of the past two wars as grounds for continued overseas action.

“We refuse to live in fear,” concluded the President, before turning off the lights of the White House, and hiding it under a blanket.